Layout of Noah’s Ark

I found this hilariously bad blueprint for Noah’s ark in a book called The Compact Timeline of the Bible.

See, this is why idjits believe that the biblical flood story is real. Because some people people feel perfectly fine about making shit like this up. The Noah myth in the bible is told in Genesis 6:5 to 9:29. The description of the ark (what little there is of it) is in chapter 6 verses 14 to 16.

Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.

And this is how thou shalt make it: the length of the ark three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

A light shalt thou make to the ark, and to a cubit shalt thou finish it upward; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.

Notice, it doesn’t say shit about putting the “bald eagles and the eared owls” in one room and “eagles, various species” in another? And, what kind of an idiot puts the bedrooms across from all those fucking birds? They wouldn’t get a minute of sleep.

Other ships with this great length, have water ballast to keep them from tipping. Apparently, there was no such need in the ark.

Other ships of this great length have water ballast to keep them from tipping over. Apparently, there was no such need in the ark.

  • Apparently, they have all kinds of  extra space for 3 empty store rooms as well as rooms set aside for the mechanical and agricultural tools they’ll need when they land. It looks like the options of either pillaging tools from the piles of water logged corpses or just making new ones were off the table.
  • They had a room full of “metal” and “minerals”. What the hell were these for? Did they not want to use the wet minerals once they land?
  • The bedrooms are the same size as the room marked “Bears”.
  • There is a gigantic room for pigeons, yet all boars and pigs are crammed together in one room.
  • Indian dogs, Maltese, purebreeds (sic), Greyhounds, and Retrievers all have their own rooms but all varieties of “panthers” have one. Seem like Noah favored dogs?
  • Did they really need twice as many mongooses as they did squirrels?
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11 Comments on “Layout of Noah’s Ark”

  1. Scott Says:

    You’re a gooob! Climb out of Dawkins Butt Crack and open your eyes.


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  3. Guodzilla Says:

    I’m an evolutionist who has been doing research into the whole Noah’s Ark “phenomenon” for many years and I was wondering: Is it TRUE that the whole bible is bunk? I’ve found through my research that some of the biblical accounts, though fantastic in their own rights seem to have some bearing on truth. For instance, the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah have actually been found with the ruins having been consumed by rampant fires. Where did these fires come from? Additional research and excavation has shown volcanic debris intermingled with the ashes.
    Therefore, the biblical story of the two “sin cities” is actually true, but only up to a certain point.

    The same can also be said of Noah’s Ark. The one-and-only Robert D. Ballard (of the Titanic discovery) has found that the Black Sea was once dry land, and it was inhabited! About 7000 years ago, rising sea levels inundated the area, flooding people out of their lands and forcing them to relocate. This flooding was quite rapid, filling the area to the brim with seawater in probably less than a year. Some people fled to the south (modern-day Turkey) and it is my theory that eventually they encountered a naturally-occurring landform near Mount Ararat called a “metamorphic geosyncline” which uncannily bore a resemblance to a giant boat. It’s not inconceivable that someone, in an attempt to explain this eerily familiar shape so far from water, added this “ship” into the already-extant flood stories of their ancestors. Presto, an early prototype of the “Noah’s flood” story. Just add Jews, Muslims and (later) Christians, and there’s the end result today.
    Incidentally, this selfsame object was brought to the world’s notice in 1959, when photographed by a Turkish airman doing a surveillance project for NATO.
    When investigated by Turkish scientists and later by scientists from the Smithsonian, it was found to be a completely natural object (but that doesn’t account for the many artifacts also found nearby; most of which seem to depict Noah).

    Thus, it’s my conclusion that Noah’s Ark actually DOES exist, but it’s simply a naturally occurring phenomenon which the Bible attempted to explain in its own terms, gradually turning the story into a parable.
    Maybe?

  4. Guodzilla Says:

    Well, I chose the term “evolutionist” in order to separate myself from Creationists, which I definitely am not. I have no problems in having a Christian faith AND believing strongly in Darwin’s theory.

    Many creationists try to bolster their own beliefs by using the Noachian Flood story, despite its being substantiated by plausible events and normal, established science.

    Anyway, I forgot to mention that the boatlike natural object actually has a name: The Durupinar Object. It was ID’ed in the late 1950’s by one ILhan Durupinar, of the Turkish Air Force. Now mind, the object has been proven to be a natural landform and is not and never was a boat; however, the ancient inhabitants of that land had no idea whatsoever of modern geology. Therefore, if it looked like a boat, it most likely had to be one, or had to have once been one.

    Go ahead and Google “Durupinar Object.” There’s tons of information about it; just be aware that some of the information is spurious, such as whatever “findings” were made by one crackpot named Ron Wyatt. He had the right conclusion, but entirely the wrong evidence.


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  6. Douglas Says:

    God has placed “olam” Hebrew for eternity in every humans heart
    (deep thought and reasoning part of humans).

    If you “truly” wanted to know God or Jesus, you could just ask Him.

    Say something such as. “God if You are real and the Bible is Your
    Word then show me?” Yes, just prove Your self to me.

    Romans Chapter One in the Bible talks about people who “choose not to believe or refuse to retain God in their knowledge”.

    If a person “really” wants to know Him, they will. Those who refuse to
    is because of their pride.

    Don’t let pride keep you from the best that God has for you.

    Just ask Him. He wants you to talk with Him. He is waiting for you.

    All of the sin of man was paid for by Jesus before this world was
    created (Revelation 13:8.). God is not subject to time and space.
    He created time and space.

    “Today, if you hear his voice,
    do not harden your hearts.”

    See, the choice is ours. He has done everything for us already.
    Just talk to Him. He loves you and longs to talk with you.
    (Matthew 11:28-30)

    • Victor Says:

      Douglas, get over yourself, you pompous ass. Magical books don’t give you any insight into the minds of beings that live outside of space and time. The sooner you grow the fuck up and realize that you’re human like the rest of us the better.


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