1 Samuel 5: Hemorrhoids in the Bible
Does God give people hemorrhoids in the bible?. Well, yes, in some translations. In others, the word is translated as sores or tumors (both, also bad). Not the type of thing liberal Jews/Christians think God does, conservative Christians … well, they think he floods cities when he gets his feelings bruised. Anyhoo, … In this translation they use the old spelling “emerods” instead of hemorrhoids to give it that old timey charm. Just say it with a British accent.
In 1st Samuel, chapter 5, the Philistines have just taken the coveted ark of the covenant away after a battle against the Hebrews. They bring it into their city and set it before a statue of their god, Dagon. That’s when the fun begins.
1And the Philistines have taken the ark of God, and bring it in from Eben-Ezer to Ashdod,
2and the Philistines take the ark of God and bring it into the house of Dagon, and set it near Dagon.
3And the Ashdodites rise early on the morrow, and lo, Dagon is fallen on its face to the earth, before the ark of Jehovah; and they take Dagon, and put it back to its place.
So, they find their idol on the floor when the get up in the morning. So, they set him back up. So far, not real impressive. God starts slow. King of like the first hour of the Exorcist.
4And they rise early in the morning on the morrow, and lo, Dagon is fallen on its face to the earth, before the ark of Jehovah, and the head of Dagon, and the two palms of its hands are cut off at the threshold, only the fishy part hath been left to him;
The fishy part! Yes, in case I haven’t mentioned, Dagon was a fish god, of some sort, popular in the area (Mer-MAN, dad. Mer-MAN). And, to prove the power of the ark, God(?) cut off the head and hands (fins?). He doesn’t appear to have filleted the god, so he’s playing nice so far.
5 therefore the priests of Dagon, and all those coming into the house of Dagon, tread not on the threshold of Dagon, in Ashdod, till this day.
6And the hand of Jehovah is heavy on the Ashdodites, and He maketh them desolate, and smiteth them with emerods, Ashdod and its borders.
7And the men of Ashdod see that [it is] so, and have said, `The ark of the God of Israel doth not abide with us, for hard hath been His hand upon us, and upon Dagon our god.’
Yes, Yahweh’s been hard on them. First he tipped over a statue, now he stuck hemorrhoids in their asses. They’d better get rid of that ark!
8And they send and gather all the princes of the Philistines unto them, and say, `What do we do to the ark of the God of Israel?’ and they say, `To Gath let the ark of the God of Israel be brought round;’ and they bring round the ark of the God of Israel;
9and it cometh to pass after they have brought it round, that the hand of Jehovah is against the city — a very great destruction; and He smiteth the men of the city, from small even unto great; and break forth on them do emerods.
10And they send the ark of God to Ekron, and it cometh to pass, at the coming in of the ark of God to Ekron, that the Ekronites cry out, saying, `They have brought round unto us the ark of the God of Israel, to put us to death — and our people.’
11And they send and gather all the princes of the Philistines, and say, `Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and it turneth back to its place, and it doth not put us to death — and our people;’ for there hath been a deadly destruction throughout all the city, very heavy hath the hand of God been there,
12and the men who have not died have been smitten with emerods, and the cry of the city goeth up into the heavens.
The men who have not died got hemorrhoids. That’ll learn ’em. Just imagine, they had to carry the ark out of the city with their asses all inflamed. It’s couldn’t have been comfortable.