God’s Top Ten Hissy Fits

Let’s face it, God occasionally acts a bit childish.

God’s Top Ten Hissy Fits

  1. Kicks Adam and Eve of the house
  2. The Flood: Yahweh saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth. So he killed them (Genesis 6:5 to 9:29). Not everyone, though. He let a drunk and his kids live. Afterward, they all split ups “after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations”. But , half a chapter later they are of one language again. I guess nothing lasts. Noah was billed as the “first tiller of the soil (Genesis 9:20a RSV)”, leading Cain to say “hey, what about me?”
  3. Tower of Babel: In those days, the whole earth had one language … again. But, then some guys decided to build a tower, so he (it actually says they) “came down” and “confounded” their language. That’ll show ’em. Apparently none of the skyscrapers today bother him so much. (Genesis 11).
  4. Destroying Sodom: The men of Sodom were wicked, wicked I tell you! The women, on the other hand, were quite mild. So mild, in fact, that they had no problem being thrown to a mob to be raped in place of two strangers (their father generously telling the crowd, “you may do to them as you wish”-Genesis 19:8). As generous as the offer was, it just wasn’t enough: Kaboom! Dead, Baby! Yahweh rained brimstone down on Sodom … and Gomorrah, which wasn’t visited in the story but is, apparently, a suburb of some kind – Genesis 19.
  5. Moses is forever banned from the Holy Land for not following directions (Numbers 20:1-13)
  6. Snakes: While in the dessert, the Israelites complained. Boom! Venomous snakes, bitches! Numbers 21:4-9
  7. Kills the sons of Aaron, for mixing their incense wrong. Bam! Dead! Leviticus 10:1-2
  8. Smotes Uzza for touching the ark of the covenant, Kaboom, dead baby! 2 Samuel 6:3-7
  9. Gives hemorrhoids to Ashdod and the Philistines, 1 Samuel 5:5-7
  10. Kills his kid to prove a point (New Testament). He’s God, he can do anything he wants, I guess. But,  in no way was this necessary. An educational film about how bad we are would have worked.
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4 Comments on “God’s Top Ten Hissy Fits”

  1. And that just scratches the surface.

    One wonders what went thru their imaginary god’s mind when he commanded that a woman touching the genetals of her husbands attacker needs to have her hand lopped off (Levit.); or why he was pissed at the infants he killed in the culture he had the Hebrews wipeout (joshua); or wtf did he have against those pigs he had jebus infect with demons, or those fig tree he had jesus kill?

    Hissey fit? Hell, the guy would have to be a flaming psychopath.

    • On our way up to Minneapolis this weekend we saw a billboard that said “God is the god of the Twin Towers and Hurricane Katrina … Read Your Bible”. We could not for the life of us figure out if it was put up by atheists or fundamentalists.

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