What a Friend We Have in Jesus

Ever heard ye ol’ Christian argument that Jesus, by giving us a ‘chance’ at salvation is our friend? Our “best friend”, even? Of course, in order for this to work, Jesus would have to not be the creator of the Hellfire to begin with. Which, as far as I understand it, is definitely not trinitarian Christianity. Gnosticism, maybe.

Why doesn’t it work? Because, Jesus/Yahweh/Holy Spirit is an entity that created the universe, and in it the heavens, hell, and humans. He tempted humans while they were in an innocent state (unaware of good or evil). When they took the bait and showed that they were not up to the standards of an all knowing immortal god, he, like an owner that beats his dog for not knowing as much as a human, declared them ‘fallen’ and worthy of damnation. (I didn’t want to hit you baby, but you left me no choice). In other words, Jesus is a creation beating asshole. What we ‘creations’ need is a halfway house were we can go to get away from him. And a restraining order.

Other aspects of atonement theology:

If the sin of Adam and Eve, which was only committed once, is passed down through the blood, why isn’t  the salvation passed down through the blood? Billions of people have to pay for the ignorance of one couple (really, only Adam. Eve’s transgression is forgotten about, probably because she’s a woman and can’t to heaven anyway).

Jesus didn’t really die; he’s God. He really just passed out for a few hours, then kicked it in heaven for the rest of eternity, making the whole thing no more dramatic than a card trick.

Even after “the fall”, people like Abraham and Noah were born that were righteous and “perfect in their generation”. How does that fit in with the “everyone’s a sinner” model?

Everyone one earth would be descended from the particularly righteous Noah, because of the flood that murdered all the wicked people. If sin is passed down through the blood, why isn’t righteousness?

There is one twist to the Jesus myth, however, that might make a bit more sense, though I’m certain that it’s totally blasphemous to Christians: since God is the one that created sin, and punished man through the use of it, he came to earth as Jesus, not to pay for humanities sins, but to pay for his own sin of being cruel to mankind. Mmm, makes a bit more sense.

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