Louis CK learns about the Catholic Church

Jenkins Sticks Big White Foot in Mouth

U.S. Rep. Lynn Jenkins offered encouragement to conservatives at a town hall forum that the Republican Party would embrace a “great white hope” capable of thwarting the political agenda endorsed by Democrats who control Congress and President Barack Obama.

Well, she doesn’t really have any way out of this comment. She’s either

1. A Racist
2. Ignorant
3. A little of both

The phrase “Great White Hope” was, of course, originally used when white sports fans badly wanted to see the defeat of black boxer Jack Johnson. But, who can blame her, she’s been oppressed for … like, 8 months or something. Things are pretty hard.

Mary Geiger, a spokeswoman for Jenkins, said the reference to a great white hope wasn’t meant to denote a preference by Jenkins for politicians of a particular “race, creed or any background.”

Which is, of course, complete and total bullshit. See, the term “Great White Hope” has the word “white” right in the phrase itself. It doesn’t take a secret handshake to figure it out.

God of the Week: Pan

God of the Week 8/31/09: Pan

Pan was the Greek god of shepherds and flocks. He was also, somehow, the god of theatrical criticism. Not sure how that works out. Though, I guess, shepherding would be a pretty boring job. Perhaps the shepherds would gather around in the latter part of the day and chat about theater (“Hey Adrianio, seen any good plays lately?”). It was, after all, in the days before water coolers.

Because of his haunting half man half goat appearance, Pan is a favorite character in fiction (the horror story The Great God Pan by Arthur Machen is considered a horror classic and is available free from Project Gutenberg).

Glenn Beck Attempts to Spell Oligarchy

He does get most of the letters. Misses the C, though: winds up spelling “oligarhy”. Of course, he’s just picking random letters out of a list of words. He could have spelled just about anything.

It surprises me that this man is on the air. Well, not completely. I can see some people wanting to tune in to see a man suffer a complete nervous break down on the air, though that’s not my cup of tea. But, as I have learned recently, some people take this man as a serious source of news.

I can take some right wing politics. There are plenty of conservatives at work that are bright people that I talk politics with on a regular basis. But, why are the top conservative commentators overly emotional reactionaries?  If Glenn Beck truly sees the Obama administration as an oligarchy, then he should explain how he thinks the political system has radically changed since the last president. How was the government of any given year any different? Next to Beck, Bill O’Reilly looks like a calm gracious philosopher. In fact, maybe that’s why the keep Beck around: to make the other guys look sane.

I can not picture taking advice about anything from a man as childish as Glenn Beck.

This is your brain. This in your brain on Glen Beck.

Christians Dispruptive at Rock Concert

You know you’re a dick when you’re at a Marilyn Manson concert and get singled out for being disruptive and disrespectful. Keep it up, Christianity isn’t quite dead yet.

From the article:

“We think it’s fun,” said Cesar Haro, 19, of Pomona. “We think arguing with these people is cool … but we do think it’s very disrespectful, though. We have the right to be here for what we paid. They’re disrespecting our area and our right to be here.”

Will God Destroy Kentucky Now?

Well, this looks like the end of Kentucky. Cause, you know God: if you’re not with him, you’re against him.

A judge on Wednesday struck down a 2006 state law that required the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security to stress “dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the commonwealth.”

Franklin Circuit Judge Thomas Wingate ruled that the law violated the First Amendment’s protection against the establishment of a state religion. Homeland Security officials have been required for three years to credit “Almighty God” in their official reports and post a plaque with similar language at the state’s Emergency Operations Center in Frankfort.

1 Samuel 5: Hemorrhoids in the Bible

Does God give people hemorrhoids in the bible?. Well, yes, in some translations. In others, the word is translated as sores or tumors (both, also bad). Not the type of thing liberal Jews/Christians think God does, conservative Christians … well, they think he floods cities when he gets his feelings bruised. Anyhoo, … In this translation they use the old spelling “emerods” instead of hemorrhoids to give it that old timey charm. Just say it with a British accent.

In 1st Samuel, chapter 5, the Philistines have just taken the coveted ark of the covenant away after a battle against the Hebrews. They bring it into their city and set it before a statue of their god, Dagon. That’s when the fun begins.

¹And the Philistines have taken the ark of God, and bring it in from Eben-Ezer to Ashdod,

²and the Philistines take the ark of God and bring it into the house of Dagon, and set it near Dagon.

³And the Ashdodites rise early on the morrow, and lo, Dagon is fallen on its face to the earth, before the ark of Jehovah; and they take Dagon, and put it back to its place.

So, they find their idol on the floor when the get up in the morning. So, they set him back up. So far, not real impressive. God starts slow. King of like the first hour of the Exorcist.

⁴And they rise early in the morning on the morrow, and lo, Dagon is fallen on its face to the earth, before the ark of Jehovah, and the head of Dagon, and the two palms of its hands are cut off at the threshold, only the fishy part hath been left to him;

The fishy part! Yes, in case I haven’t mentioned, Dagon was a fish god, of some sort, popular in the area (Mer-MAN, dad. Mer-MAN). And, to prove the power of the ark, God(?) cut off the head and hands (fins?). He doesn’t appear to have filleted the god, so he’s playing nice so far.

⁵ therefore the priests of Dagon, and all those coming into the house of Dagon, tread not on the threshold of Dagon, in Ashdod, till this day.

⁶And the hand of Jehovah is heavy on the Ashdodites, and He maketh them desolate, and smiteth them with emerods, Ashdod and its borders.

⁷And the men of Ashdod see that [it is] so, and have said, `The ark of the God of Israel doth not abide with us, for hard hath been His hand upon us, and upon Dagon our god.’

Yes, Yahweh’s been hard on them. First he tipped over a statue, now he stuck hemorrhoids in their asses. They’d better get rid of that ark!

⁸And they send and gather all the princes of the Philistines unto them, and say, `What do we do to the ark of the God of Israel?’ and they say, `To Gath let the ark of the God of Israel be brought round;’ and they bring round the ark of the God of Israel;

⁹and it cometh to pass after they have brought it round, that the hand of Jehovah is against the city — a very great destruction; and He smiteth the men of the city, from small even unto great; and break forth on them do emerods.

¹⁰And they send the ark of God to Ekron, and it cometh to pass, at the coming in of the ark of God to Ekron, that the Ekronites cry out, saying, `They have brought round unto us the ark of the God of Israel, to put us to death — and our people.’

¹¹And they send and gather all the princes of the Philistines, and say, `Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and it turneth back to its place, and it doth not put us to death — and our people;’ for there hath been a deadly destruction throughout all the city, very heavy hath the hand of God been there,

¹²and the men who have not died have been smitten with emerods, and the cry of the city goeth up into the heavens.

The men who have not died got hemorrhoids. That’ll learn ’em. Just imagine, they had to carry the ark out of the city with their asses all inflamed. It’s couldn’t have been comfortable.

Million Dollar Priest

Rev. Michael Jude Fay, a priest from Newport Connecticut that pleaded guilty the theft of a million dollars to maintain his extravagant lifestyle has died. I see these sorts of things occasionally and I always wonder how a priest lives an extravagant

The Roman Catholic Diocese of Bridgeport says a Connecticut priest who pleaded guilty to stealing more than $1 million from a Darien parish to support a lavish lifestyle has died.

Fay set up secret bank accounts and spent the money on international travel, expensive gifts and a Florida condominium.j

The book keeper that turned him in is, of course, being harassed for doing the right thing. Apparently people justify harassment of a do-gooder if the felon involved had at some point paid to receive an education in theology.

Sam Harris on Real Time with Bill Maher

God of the Week: Balder

God of the Week 8/24/09: Balder

Balder was not the god of baldness, as you may expect, but rather a Norse god known primarily for a rather mythical death. In the story, Balder had had a prophetic dream of his death. Because of this, his mother traveled all around the world and made every living thing promise not to harm her son. The one hold out was the mistletoe.

It eventually became a game among the gods to hurl spears and knives at Balder and watch them bounce off of him, because of their promise not to harm him. The mischievous god Loki, however, had created a spear from mistletoe and gave it to Balder’s brother to throw. It penetrated his chest, killing him. Moral of the story, don’t trust Loki.

His story was symbolic of animosity toward your enemies, especially in a sanctuary known as “Balder’s Grove”:

Whether he was a real or merely a mythical personage, Balder was worshipped in Norway. On one of the bays of the beautiful Sogne Fiord, which penetrates far into the depths of the solemn Norwegian mountains, with their sombre pine-forests and their lofty cascades dissolving into spray before they reach the dark water of the fiord far below, Balder had a great sanctuary. It was called Balder’s Grove. A palisade enclosed the hallowed ground, and within it stood a spacious temple with the images of many gods, but none of them was worshipped with such devotion as Balder. So great was the awe with which the heathen regarded the place that no man might harm another there, nor steal his cattle, nor defile himself with women. But women cared for the images of the gods in the temple; they warmed them at the fire, anointed them with oil, and dried them with cloths. – Sir James Frazer, The Golden Bough, Chapter 61