Christians Ruining Movies

A Christian group called “The Resistance” is planning on disrupting screenings of the movie “Angels and Demons” because of their complete and total ass-hole-er-ry. I do love it when Christians remove all doubt as to what huge jerks they can be.

The fabulous movie, The Last Temptation of Christ, had a pipe bomb go off in the theater. The Life of Brian had protesters standing outside the theater. I don’t recall anyone planning an organized rebellion against The Passion or Expelled.

The Resistance said in a release it will have “dozens of theaters in major cities filled with their members to interrupt the premiere by shouting at audiences about how the film and novel it’s based on are a fraud aimed at covering up the fact that the Illuminati secret society continues to exist and illegally influences political affairs in America.”

I have read the book. It was an ok page turner. Fun. Nothing to get excited about. It case anybody hasn’t caught on, though, here is Dan Brown’s MO: he picks a conspiracy theory … with me so far? …. ok, then he writes a detective story around it. Hope I didn’t lose you there. These books can only be taken seriously if you take the conspiracy theory seriously, and most of them are pretty easy to see through. As far as I’m concerned, Dan Brown’s books do not treat the conspiracy theories with any respect or make them any more believable. But, these are probably the same people that refuse to go swimming because of Jaws.

These huge protests, though, do give the film more credence. They do make it seem like there is something they are trying to hide. And it is funny that there is a group of completely irrational people protesting against another group of completely irrational people. I wish they would stay out of the way of people that are trying to enjoy a fun popcorn flick, though. Maybe they could have a talk in their town’s “public square”. They seem to want to talk there a lot.

Nehushtan: Moses’ Big Bronze Snake

Nehushtan, Michelangelo

Nehushtan: what a fabulous name. It sounds like an amazing character from a Tolkien book or a Robert E Howard story. Disappointingly enough, it’s only from the Bible, and it’s a minor reference at that.

They traveled from Mount Hor along the route to the Red Sea, to go around Edom. But the people grew impatient on the way; they spoke against God and against Moses, and said, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the desert? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!”

Then the LORD sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, “We sinned when we spoke against the LORD and against you. Pray that the LORD will take the snakes away from us.” So Moses prayed for the people.

The LORD said to Moses, “Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live.” So Moses made a bronze snake and put it up on a pole. Then when anyone was bitten by a snake and looked at the bronze snake, he lived. (Numbers 21:4-9)

This passage is not often recited in church, which is a shame, because it is hilarious. Obviously a satire, anyone that can think that this is real is in serious denial or their version of God is some sort of mentally challenged Loki character that gets his jollies out of making people suffer; in this story, God can make snakes appear, but can not make them go away again. And, in order to protect yourself against them, the Israelites were supposed to look up at a molten idol, which they were expressly forbidden against in Exodus 34:17 in a little tome known as the 10 Commandments. Funny, funny stuff.

Thank you, Lord. May I have another?

This passage reminds me of the computer Deep Thought, in Douglas Adams’ brilliant The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. In the book, Deep Thought was created to answer the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything, which he happily did. But, he was unfortunately not able to work out what the actual question was, leaving his creators thoroughly confused at the numerical answer of 42.

Moses: Alright, the snakes really did their job. We’re are all really impressed at your might now. The creation of the Earth, the Tower of Babel, and the Exodus out of Egypt still had us doubting, but these snakes really hit home. My question is, oh mighty one, … can you make the snakes go away now?

God: Well …. no, I can’t. I can call them, but … once they’re here, they’re here.

Moses: What are we to do? We’ve got snakes crawling all over us? I’ve got one hanging off my elbow now!

God: Tell you what, make a molten idol … I know, I know what I said before, but just forget that. Make a molten snake and put in on a pole. Then tell the people that if they are bitten by a snake, in their last dying breath, turn their heads and look up at the idol. When they look at it, I’ll neutralize the venom that’s in their bodies.

Moses: But… uh … if you can neutralize the venom, why don’t you just do that now. You know, before the snakes bite people.

God: Dunno. I work in mysterious ways.

Moses: And what if the people are outside the camp and can’t see the bronze snake from where they are?

God: That’s not really my problem.

Moses: What if they die before they …

God: Hey, they had it coming.

But I digress … Let’s jump out of mythology and into legend. 2 Kings to be exact.

King Hezekiah ruled of the southern kingdom of Judah from 715 to 687 BC. It was during his reign that the the Assyrians invaded the northern Kingdom of Israel, driving many of the inhabitants to abandon their homeland and travel south, greatly multiplying Judah’s population. It was perhaps this mass influx of foreigners that raised concerns about law, order, and idolatry. The following excerpt from 2 Kings displays Hezekiah as a great defender of the faith and a foe to unauthorized worship:

He removed the high places and broke down the sacred pillars and cut down the Asherah. He also broke in pieces the bronze serpent that Moses had made, for until those days the sons of Israel burned incense to it; and it was called Nehushtan. (2 Kings 18:4, NASB)

It seems that the lord kind of missed the fact that, if he gave them an idol to worship, that they might start worshiping it. Especially after he saw that they needed an actual commandment to get them to stop worshiping every inanimate object they happened upon in the first place.

Historically, what Hezekiah did was to centralize religious worship in Judah. The “high places” were unauthorized places of sacrifice. In those days, people were not allowed to slaughter their own meat. It needed to be done by a priest (a tradition that survives today in Orthodox Judaism). Normally, this would be done in the temple in Jerusalem, but, for the rural areas, makeshift alters were set up on plateaus: high places. The rural farmers would bring their livestock to these outlying areas for slaughter. Hezekiah removed the high places, thereby centralizing all sacrifice in the nation. This would bring an influx of people into Jerusalem, increasing revenue for the city. It would make sense for any political spin doctor to tie the king into the legends of old, especially a legend that has him one upping a mythical hero of the northern territory (Moses).

The Nehushtan story in general appears to be a remembrance of an ancient snake cult in Judah. Snake cults appear to have been common in ancient Israel, due to the large number of serpent adorned artifacts found there. Modern Archeology tells us that the Exodus as depicted in the Bible is not historical, so the story is either legend a morality play of some kind. And no one, king or not, would destroy a bronze statue molded by Moses himself. But, it’s an entertaining story. The bulk of the Exodus story seems to come from the E tradition, originating in the northern kingdom.